Funny Twilight Article

By Sterling White

Humor Columnist, Franciscan University of Stubenville

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Few books in the past decade or so have sought to eclipse (Twilight pun) the popularity of Harry Potter. I mean, it’s hard to wage war on the scrawny little unkempt kid with his facial deformities and his flashy stick.

But Stephanie Meyer, in writing her own twisted vampire fantasy, has somehow managed to make her particular desires resonate with those of 12-year-old girls everywhere. I know when I was 12, I was still into action figures, but apparently girls at that age long for a romantic escapade with a 100-year-old vampire. To each his own, I say.

But Twilight has certainly garnered a massive following. My own sisters went and saw the first movie roughly eight times … in theatres. Now let’s count that out: $9.00 a movie x 8 viewings = $72 to see an angsty teen try to come to terms with her epic love for a blood-sucking child predator. I can see how this appeals to the younger generation. It’s like watching Dateline’s: "To Catch a Predator: The Untold Love Story."

Yet, is this really love? I mean, how many of us can look back on our high school relationships and actually say it was love? But for some reason, when that love is with undead sparkle boy, it’s as true as biblical Scripture. Sparkle, you say? Yes, these vampires, unlike ALL their demonic peers, when exposed to sunlight don’t scream as they char like your mom’s thanksgiving turkey (Oh, burn! (Pun!)). Instead they sparkle like a humanoid disco ball at a Village People concert.

When Bella first sees this, she is mesmerized. I have to tell you, the first time I see my significant other glowing like plutonium, I’d be more scared of radiation poisoning than taking the time to sit and admire her lethal glow.

But who really thinks Bella Swan (Stephanie Meyer’s avatar) is a particularly bright character to begin with? It seems this girl is too clumsy to survive getting milk for her cereal, much less a love life involving her boyfriend, señor twinkle toes, and a shirtless werewolf. Whenever his role in the movies is referenced, it is only mentioned that he got rock hard abs for the second movie.

Now, I’m not part of “the academy,” but if the most interesting part of your acting is that you worked out, don’t expect the Oscar nominations to be overflowing from your mailbox.

Mrs. Meyer also loves Edward Cullen. And I don’t mean she likes her character, I mean she loves him. I’m positive if Edward were as real and sparkly as she describes, she would leave her husband for him immediately. And who could blame her? After all, she describes his Adonis-like features, his marble skin and his apparently attractive chagrin expression.

First, Adonis was an extremely attractive Greek god born from incest and mauled by a wild boar, so I totally see the resemblance between him and glitter prince.

And Edward has marble skin, just like a statue! And we all know how awesome statues feel: cold and covered in bird poop. I don’t know what woman is actually fixated on the idea of her lover having marble skin but it’s about the same as if she said she was attracted to a streetlamp. And hey, at least that produces heat.

Finally, she loves to point out his chagrin expression. She seems to think this means his sallow face that sees deep into Bella’s beautiful heart as he tries to fight his deep love for her. Now, here in reality land, according to dictionary.com, chagrin actually means: “a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.” So when Edward looks at Bella with this expression, the words actually mean that he’s feeling a little less like “I love you so much it hurts,” and more along the lines: “I’m passing a kidney stone.”

And when you really think about it, chagrin probably best describes the feeling anyone who’s not an angsty teenage girl would get from reading this book. I think Robert Pattinson, the actor who played Edward, put it best when asked about what he thought of the crowd at a convention. Here is his answer: “It’s terrifying. It’s like the sound you hear at the gates of hell.”

But don’t worry girls, I’m sure Edward wants to marry each one of you. He sparkles just for you.